DEALING WITH JEALOUSY AND POSSESSIVENESS IN RELATIONSHIPS
If we are honest with ourselves, each one of us has at some time or another had an envious thought or wished we possessed something that others have. It could be personal qualities like wit, charm, beauty, intelligence, resourcefulness or resilience. It could also be jealousy about resources such as wealth, connections, status or power. It could even be jealousy of another relationship, profession or time. There is always something we wish we could have. Jealousy becomes even more complicated when there is a friendship or relationship involved; jealousy in relationships could lead to insecurity and possessiveness which are not conducive for the relationship if it isn’t addressed early.
The qualities of jealousy and possessiveness often stem from feelings of insecurity that tend to be uncomfortable to deal with. No wonder we don’t like confronting such feelings – they make us feel negative inside, not to mention the added feeling of guilt when we realize we are feeling jealous or acting possessive. Some of the underlying thoughts and belief systems that might be at play include the following:
What if someone replaces me with another friend or partner?
I am worthless or I am not good enough.
Why is someone receiving so much attention as opposed to me?
What does he or she have that I do not?
Everybody I love always ends up leaving or abandoning me.
If I don’t try to keep him or her to myself, they will leave me
I must control someone’s environment or who they meet so I can protect them
The underlying fear leading to jealous thoughts and actions usually have more to do with the person experiencing jealousy rather than its target. So how does one deal with this complicated emotion as well as its subconscious consequences such as possessive behaviour?
Here are some things to keep in mind:
Acknowledge your own emotions first and foremost to yourself. Self-awareness is the first step to dealing with jealous emotions and coming to terms with your possessive behaviour.
Understand the root cause of your emotions - what is causing this twinge of jealousy? Is it your friend or partner’s behaviour? Is it something within yourself?
Express your concerns to your friend or partner. Not only will they understand where you are coming from, they may be considerate of your feelings and will appreciate your honesty. From their end, they can give you feedback on the validity of your assumptions, which can lead to a more open discussion that can improve the relationship.
Talk to a trusted friend. This will likely give you a new and more realistic perspective on jealousy and can help you figure out how to curb such feelings and behaviour.
Practice daily gratitude and appreciation for what is going right in your life. By training your mind to see what is good, feelings of inadequacy and jealousy naturally reduce.
Be kind to yourself and remember your own worth and value. Accept yourself completely with your strengths and your weaknesses and accord them equal respect. You are worthy of love, even if you are not perfect. In fact, nobody is.
Practice daily mindfulness by writing in a journal or meditating for some time everyday so that you can be more present and have a balanced outlook of the bigger picture.
Seek professional help, especially if jealousy or possessiveness is causing interpersonal problems in your relationship. Explore underlying issues you're facing by talking to a counsellor and get the help you need.
Jealousy isn't called a green-eyed monster for nothing: It is an emotion that sinks our spirits, hurts ourselves and our most precious relationships. Don’t let what you don’t have or are afraid to lose overshadow all that you do have and value.
Author: Debanjali Saha
Debanjali Saha is a counselling psychologist who works primarily with young adults using a compassion-focused approach in therapy. She is very passionate about Self-Compassion, a topic she has been researching since 2014. She has started a wellness community called Couch of Compassion, where she tries to help people relate to themselves with kindness through her writing and workshops.