DON'T COMPARE: IT'S YOUR UNIQUE JOURNEY
It is a human nature to compare. We are constantly measuring and assessing ourselves, and we simultaneously evaluate others alongside ourselves to see if we match up, whether in terms of looks, brains, money or success. In fact, some studies show that being as analytical as we are, we spend as much as 10 percent of our thought process making comparisons of some kind or another.
Noted psychologist Leon Festinger formulated his social comparison theory in 1954 that is still highly relevant today which states that people tend to derive their sense of worth based on how they think they are faring compared to other people. While research shows that such comparisons may inspire each of us to work harder to improve ourselves, there are downsides to the story. People who base their self-worth on the perception of others and tend to compare themselves to external social standards are more like to feel dissatisfied with their current situation, experience more regrets or even take part in harmful behaviors such as disordered eating in order to match up to some social standard of perfection.
Comparison is ultimately a futile exercise like comparing apples to oranges. Considering that the combination of your genes, personality and life circumstances will always be different from another person’s, this means that no one can replicate your life’s journey while you can’t live the life of someone else. In this case the question arises: Is it really fair, or even possible, to compare? Yet we can’t quite help ourselves – when we see a colleague or a friend doing better than we are, when we stare in awe at the lives of the wealthy and famous, or when we look at the figures of supermodels on magazines, we look at ourselves and feel inadequate and undeserving.
What gets left out of the equation completely? Gratitude, kindness, self-compassion, empathy and meaning. We forget to take into account the enormous challenges we have faced or how much we have grown since we started out. We tend to overlook these internal values that make life inherently meaningful and fulfilling. Ultimately, the only person it is even coherently possible to compare with in terms of progress is with your own self. You know your past; you’ve lived it and only you can truly understand whether you are still the same person you were a few years ago or not. Growth and development are a natural process in all beings, but everyone’s journey is a personal one.
This new year, here are some questions you can ask yourself to foster self-awareness and self-discovery and understand better your unique journey:
What was your situation at the start of 2021? What have you achieved – however small – in the time that has passed? (Hint: In the last year, have you seen progress in any of these areas – physical, psychological/emotional, social, professional, spiritual?)
How much have you changed – since 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago?
What would you like to be able to differently in 2022?
List down 3 things that motivate you to keep moving forward.
List down 3 things that you think may be holding you back.
What skill(s) would you like to master this new year?
The fact of the matter is that there will always be someone who is more successful, more attractive and makes more money than you – comparing yourself to those people will leave you constantly chasing ‘the next thing’ and ultimately reduce your own happiness and sense of well-being. The only person worth comparing yourself to is you. More importantly, it is unwise to fetter way the present moment only looking to a future aspiration that may or may not bring you satisfaction. Real peace of mind is knowing how to enjoy your life, no matter what your life situation and regardless of what other people are doing. True peace is internal. It can’t be bought or taken away and it doesn’t compare to anyone or anything else.
Author: Debanjali Saha
Debanjali Saha is a counselling psychologist who works primarily with young adults using a compassion-focused approach in therapy. She is very passionate about Self-Compassion, a topic she has been researching since 2014. She has started a wellness community called Couch of Compassion, where she tries to help people relate to themselves with kindness through her writing and workshops.
